The audience of two dozen sunbathers and a stray dog fell silent.
“We don’t want a beauty queen,” explains head judge Olena, a retired dancer who wears only a stopwatch and a whistle. “We want a girl who has forgotten she is being watched.” Candid Miss Teen Crimea Naturist
This year’s winner is 17-year-old Anya K. (last names withheld for obvious internet-safety reasons), a lanky, freckled high school student from Simferopol with a shock of ginger hair, a healing scrape on her left knee, and a laugh that sounds like a rattling tractor engine. The audience of two dozen sunbathers and a
Anya won unanimously. The prize is a hand-painted sign that says “I Am Enough,” a year’s supply of hypoallergenic sunblock, and the title of “Candid Miss Teen Crimea Naturist 2024.” (last names withheld for obvious internet-safety reasons), a
She then borrowed a towel, wrapped it around her shoulders like a superhero cape, and ran off to find the ice cream vendor.
“So my platform,” Anya continued, scratching a mosquito bite on her ribcage, “is that being a teenager is embarrassing. You’re supposed to be free, but all you feel is seen. Being naked in front of you all is the least weird thing I’ve done this month. Thank you.”
“I was going to talk about the refugee crisis,” she said, squinting into the sun. “But honestly? I’m sixteen. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he said my ankles were ‘too bony.’ My math grade is a three. And last night, I ate a entire jar of pickled tomatoes and had a nightmare that my left buttock had achieved sentience and was running for local office.”